^{[Editor’s Note: For nearly the entirety of the conceptual process of this project, I have known that I wanted to be transparent with readers about that very process. Something I hereto forth will label, “Behind the Curtain.” As important as the final works published here, I believe it is equally important to reveal the journey taken. There are highs and there are lows. There are moments of great uncertainty and incredible inspiration. My hope is that in this revelation of the method, others wanting to pursue their dreams will see that those of us who are actually doing it are walking into the unknown each step of the way. The fear and frustration do not disappear. Certainty is often fleeting, and you can overthink yourself into paralysis. And in spite of all that, you just have to keep going. Following your heart is not for the faint of heart.]} 

Perfectionism. 
Oh, you beast! 
You self obsessed, conniving black hole! How in the world am I going to free myself from your clutches?! You make me insane! 
You saunter in with your lofty ideals and work your way into each and every one of my ideas and projects. You steal my motivation and my sanity promising a beautifully intricate and carefully crafted finality. And I fall for your bright and shiny promises. Each. And. Every. Time.

When will I learn?!
You are the villain. You don’t even exist! 
You are a child expecting everything on your terms which are completely detached from constraints on time or finances or talent. 
You just show up. Unannounced. You start whispering your clever little promises and I start to believe … Maybe this time … Maybe this time it will be different … 

But it never is.
Because you are Never satisfied. 
Even when I do my best, it is never good enough. 
You promise the world, but you cannot deliver the world. 
In fact, all you deliver is disappointment. And fear. And shame. And distrust of myself. 
Again and again I get tangled up in your complex and astronomically high expectations. 
I am completely ensnared. My head in the stars. 

Until it’s time to actually do the work. And I realize that I cannot. 
And then I have to settle for less. Because what I do is based in reality not whatever universe in which you reside. 
And probably what I settle for is amazing, but I’ll never know. I had you brainwashing me, setting my sights on something waaaaaay beyond what is humanly possible. And then no matter what I do, I cannot see it clearly because I can only view it through your impossible lens. 
You rob me of satisfaction. Nothing is ever good enough. And I hate you for that. 

Accountability. 
Oh, you tricky, little beast!
I see you. 
You are so frustratingly well meaning. 
You walk in like some sort of a savior. Trying to help me achieve balance from my addiction to Perfectionism. You ground me in reality. Tie my goals to a timeline. Make sure I am actually doing the work instead of spending all my time partying with Big Dreams. 

Oh, you are aggravating to have around! 
A real goody two shoes. 
And you’re right. You’re always right. 
That drives me nuts.
Because when I don’t have you around, my Integrity disappears. And when she goes, the whole house of cards goes with her. 
I feel so bullied by you. Who are you to steal my Integrity? How dare you?!

Case in point. 
Tonight.
It’s Thursday. That’s the day that I said I would post a new essay. Sure, it’s been a few Thursdays since I have posted a new essay, but now it’s a new year. I believe in the promise of a new year and consciously doing things differently than in the past. So, technically, I have to post something. I do not actually have to do it, but it seems pretty low to give up on oneself only five days into the new year. I was sick this week. I haven’t written anything new. I have some pretty good excuses. I could technically do it tomorrow. No one would really know … 

And then there you are, Accountability. Just showing up. Checking in. Smiling sweetly. Reminding me in your annoying little way that if I don’t do this, you and Integrity are out of here. It’s so manipulative. So demanding. So bossy. 

So here I am. Doing something I never wanted to do. Write an essay at the last minute in order to save my Integrity. Publishing a first draft willy nilly because I’m up against the clock.
Sure, the concept is OK. It’s honest. It does reveal the challenges inherent in a journey like this. But, I know that this could be better. Who wants to have their first post of the year be a fresh, last minute, near disaster? That’s terrible! 
It should be something thoughtful and inspiring. Calm and conscious of the exciting journey ahead. It should be the finished product of a carefully crafted process which I will replicate each week of the coming year. 

Darn you, Perfectionism, just creeping your way in here like always. Making me feel like this entire thing is not good enough. 

It’s only my seventh essay here. I knew I wanted to share the struggle, but I didn’t want to show it so early while people were still making up their minds about whether they wanted to be here. I had hoped to appear a little more together before revealing I barely have it together. The shame!

Darn you, Accountability, making me write this in spite of all the discomfort and disappointment. You’re the worst!

…

Hey, Integrity. Glad to see you’re still here.
Happy @#$%ing New Year.